The Abortion.

The Intro

This blog is particularly difficult to write for many reasons. Reason number one being, I am not a victim. I made a choice and it was my choice. I decided to terminate the life of my son and for that, I have to be accountable. So here I am. Being accountable for my abortion.

The Stats

Lets start with some statics, shall we? In 2015, the Independent reported that 1 in 3 women have an abortion by the time they are 45 years old. And no- that isn't a statistic for the whole world- that's just for the U.K. So if you haven't directly had an abortion, someone in your family or in your friendship circle probably has. Tough to imagine? I bet it is.

The Story

So let me tell you about my abortion. In my final year of studying, in 2012, at 21 years old- I got pregnant. This was particularly difficult because I was in a church, I am a Pastors' daughter (yup I know what you're thinking- pastors' kids are the worst- blah blah blah), and I was also teaching Sunday school. None of that was even the heaviest part. The heaviest part is that I specifically heard the voice of GOD telling me I was going to have a baby and NOT to have an abortion. I don't know if you are a believer- but I heard a bellowing in my ear. It terrified the life out of me and I dropped to the floor as if I had heard gun shots in Tottenham. Regardless of all this- I had the termination because I allowed my situation to cloud my judgment and I allowed my logic to takeover my emotions.

The Procedure

So I did it. At four months into my pregnancy, I made the appointment. I went to the clinic. I took the pill. I went back and I had the rest of the procedure performed.I had done it. I had killed my son. Was it that simple? Not at all. There were some complications during the abortion- but we will get to that later.

 

The Reasons

"My boyfriend is not interested in having a child. He could not even be faithful in our relationship. I can't keep it. My Dad is a Pastor- he will reject me. The church will take away my posts. The church will say I let them down. I teach young people- how can I have a baby out of wedlock? My body will drastically change- no other man will want me. I'm about to graduate- I can't have a baby. I don't even have any money..."

Those were my reasons for having an abortion. Right now I am going to skip to this present day so you can see how life has changed.

1. That "boyfriend" of mine- gone with the wind but we remained friends (ish)
2. My Dad eventually forgave me. I am his daughter and he will always love me.
3. The church I attended- I no longer go there. I have a new church family that accepts me and loves me and helps me grow. I have leaders who I am transparent with and I am growing in the faith
4. The young people I work alongside know my story and they know they can come to me with anything, any problem and any issue.
5. My body looks okay but I am more than just a body now. That is no longer the only thing I have to offer.
6. I didn't go to my graduation anyway due to severe depression.
7. I now make more money than I could even have imagined (thank GOD)

The REAL Reason

Those were my "reasons" but the truth is- I didn't want people to see that I had sinned. I was a fake who kept up a façade because I did not like who I really was. I was a depressed person who used sex as an escape. I got pregnant and now everyone could see I wasn't perfect. That is the real reason for my abortion.

The Aftermath

The day after my abortion, I was broken. I couldn't eat. I could barely get out of bed. I couldn't concentrate. I could barely finish my final year. I completed my dissertation drunk out of my face because I just didn't care. My belly went down but the tears didn't stop. I got a new job- but I couldn't concentrate. On top of all of that, the health complications were terrible. Part of the placenta was stuck inside my womb for a while. I felt a lot of pain but I couldn't explain it. For those of you who don't know much about this stuff- the placenta was rotting inside of my womb. Within 6 months that would have killed me. About a month or two after the abortion- the placenta fell out whilst I was walking to Tesco. That could have killed me but my GOD is greater.

The Healing

When I could no longer deal with guilt and the shame and the depression- I reached out to a lady in my church. I told her about the abortion and she told me she volunteered at an abortion support group in my town and they were putting a counseling group together. I agreed to go. And I got help. I got the help I needed to begin the healing process. Part of that was forgiving everyone in the situation and forgiving myself. That was the hardest bit. Forgiving myself for something that I did. Taking the responsibility and then allowing myself to feel the forgiveness. Does it mean I forget? Never. But it means I don't have to live in shame or in condemnation. I can breathe. For the first time in my life- I am breathing.

5 Years Later

5 years on, I meet women who have had abortions and men who have their babies aborted, with or without their consent. And all of them have this one thing in common; they don't know how to forgive themselves. This is particularly difficult if you haven't processed the abortion. My brother, my sister, get help. Get some support. Don't just sit there. Speak to someone. Don't want to speak to anyone you know? Speak to me. Just don't sit on it. Don't sit on it and hide. Open your mouth and get your healing.

Who Is Zion

Zion is my son. He would have turned 4 years old on July 3rd 2017. I have seen him in my dreams and he is a beauty. I buy him birthday cards and teddy bears. On my low days- I write him letters. I know he doesn't read them- but it helps me heal. Zion is with my GOD in heaven. He isn't on this earth but he existed and I miss him every day.


I am most grateful to GOD for everything He has done in my life. He is my air. He keeps me alive and it is through faith that I am justified and I have peace with GOD through Jesus. Galatians 5:1
GOD saved my life. I am a living testimony. Keep your eyes peeled- because there is so much more to come.

Thank you so so so much for reading.