18 and Raped.

THANKS FOR TUNING IN 

For those of you who have read either of my previous blogs (ooo that sounds very professional) thank you for taking more time out to hear more of my story. Please do share this with any/everyone who you think may need it. 

THE INTRO

Before I get into it- I want to start with saying this is painful to type but it is necessary to read and as you continue to read- I pray it brings healing to you if you have also been through any degree of sexual abuse, if you have witnessed sexual abuse and felt powerless to help/didn't know how to help and I pray it brings healing to you if you have ever been a perpetrator. This is for all of you. As you read, I pray that my Father in heaven begins to heal your wounds. The wounds you have covered, buried and even forgotten about. He can really do it. I know this because He did it for me. 

THE STATS

"1 in 5 women have experienced sexual violence." 

I like to kick start my blogs with some statistics. This is going to be a bit of a shocker for some of you. 

• Approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men are raped every year.
• That is roughly 11 victims every hour.
• 1 in 5 women have experienced some sort of sexual violence since the age of 16.
• There is a 55% increase (where age is known) of victims who are under the age of 15, compared to last year
• Only 15% of those who experienced sexual abuse, decided to report it to the police. 

These stats are shocking, aren't they? What is more shocking is that these stats are only for England and Wales. They were sourced from the Ministry of Justice and the official website for Rape Crisis.

THE BACKSTORY

Leading up to my 18th birthday, I was living my life as a new believer. Going to Bible study sessions in my (now previous) church, which was 90% full of OAPs. I was helping out in Sunday school and part of a dance ministry. I wasn't a perfect Christian but I loved my Father in heaven. He was my everything. And I had made a commitment to live a life of holiness. I wasn't doing too bad, to be honest. 

One warm Sunday morning, July 2010, a man walked into church with his family. I couldn't tell if the woman was his mum or his wife, but what I did know was he that he was extremely handsome. You could even say beautiful. During the church service, we made eye contact a couple of times. I couldn't wait to speak to him. I had all these questions to ask. "Who was he? We live in a small town- why have I never seen him before? Is that his Mum or his wife?" 
As it concluded we greeted each other in the most church- like way and I embraced his mum and his sister. She urged us to exchange numbers so I could keep in contact with him. I definitely didn't mind- I told you he was beautiful.

The texts started quite normal. 'Scriptures here, encouraging words there. Normal stuff. Weeks passed and he began to ask me how serious I was with my walk. I had been in church my whole life so I knew exactly what he meant (I speak fluent Christianese), I explained to him that I am living a life of holiness through all aspects. He asked me if I ever had urges- I told him the truth, sometimes- but I never acted on them. He was confused as to how this was possible but he soon changed the topic. RED FLAG NUMBER 1!

August came. The month of my 18th birthday. He had begged to spend it with me, so I said yes ( I had no friends at the time so it was either spend it with him or spend it at home.) By this time, we were spending alot more time together. We would frequently go for walks with his baby sister or do some food shopping for his mum, all the while talking about everything and nothing. It was lovely- but here's the issue- nobody knew. No one in the church knew I was hanging out with this guy all the time. We were accountable to no one and when I would raise this as an issue- he did not want us to change what we were doing. RED FLAG NUMBER 2!

When we were at church, we would sneak glances at each other. I am quite wide hipped so you can probably imagine that I naturally get a lot of attention. I normally hated it- but I liked it from him. I loved walking in and seeing his eyes light up. It made me feel so beautiful- but the truth is he was dealing with lust on a severe level, as was I. 


Nonetheless, my birthday came and we went to the cinema. I have no idea what we watched but during the film, we kissed. It had been a long while since I had been kissed so I didn't quite prepare for it (breath wise) but he didn't stop so I guess it wasn't so bad.

As he took me home, we snuck around back roads where he would try to grab my face again. All I kept thinking about were those OAPs from my church seeing me. It would have been disastrous- but it probably would have saved me from what was to come. 

Once at my house, he asked to come in. I laughed and sent him home. He then asked to see me again at the weekend. I agreed and sent him home. 

THE RAPE

"I was okay..."

Saturday night came. He met me in the town at a bar. As I walked in- he looked nervous and excited to see me. I had butterflies as I realized that this was my first real date! 

I had a glass of wine, he had some brandy and then we began to walk. My head was spinning but I was okay. I was okay enough to realize when he had taken a wrong turning, I tried to correct him but he held my hand tighter and ignored me. I was okay enough to realize we weren't on the path to my house, my head began to clear up and my senses began to sharpen. I was okay enough to realize we were in a park, my stomach was now in knots and I now knew something was about to happen. I was okay enough to hear his zip go down- my chest began to beat like a drum. I was okay enough to beg and plead for him to not rape me- but he didn't listen. He continued to pin me into the position he wanted. I was okay enough to try to call for help- I used every ounce of my strength until I had none left. I was okay enough to know that no one was coming to help me. There was no superman like I had read in comics. There was no DareDevil. There was no help at hand and this was not a dream. I was okay enough to pull my things together and run home when he had gotten off me. I didn't allow myself to think- I just wanted to be safe. I was okay enough to climb into my bed, sore all over, and wait for the sun to rise- knees in my chest because that was the only position where my body was in the least amount of pain. And I was okay enough to drag myself out of bed and go to Church the next day. I put on a Sunday dress and went to church. I didn't know what else to do. But I was okay. 

THE AFTERMATH

At church that day- all I did was cry. I cried for hours. I cried for days on end. Every now and then, I would cry for weeks, months, years. And I became scared of men in my church. Why? Because the morning after I was raped, he sent me a text apologizing. He said I was too sexy and he couldn't quite handle it. My body was too much and my dresses drove him crazy. So for years, I thought it was my fault. I thought it was my wide hips that got me violated. I thought it was my small waist and long legs. So I cried. I thought it was thick physique that got me into that situation- so I hated my body. I hated my body and I hated being looked at. I became scared of Christian men, in case they wanted to hurt me too. 

First I was scared- then I got angry. I was angry at him, I was angry at myself and I was angry at God. He saw that happen to me. Why didn't He stop it?Why didn't He protect me? I am supposed to be His daughter. Why didn't He rescue me? I had all these questions that lead me to drink. I developed a horrible habit that controlled my life for a number of years (but that's for another blog).

This rape opened a door. I battled with addictions to alcohol and fornication to help numb the memories what had happened to me- rather than dealing with it at the source. These things opened up more doors of abuse (which is ALSO for another blog) and all of a sudden- years had gone by and I had no idea as to where life had taken me. Then came hope. 

THE HEALING

"...the end is good!"

Recently at my (new) church, I enrolled in a course called Youthful Lust. We looked into why people are bound by lust and we came to the conclusion that it is sometimes because of pain. For example, I would use sex and alcohol to drown out my sorrows of my abuse. But it never helped. It gave me a hangover and drama. The abuse I endured opened up different doors and only GOD could really deal with what the results were. 

1 Peter 5:7 says, cast all your anxiety on to Him, because He cares for you. That means, God already knew life would be painful. He knew life would be unkind and we are not built to deal with this pain, but He can.

I now know that none of it was my fault. I know that the man was battling with something big that caused him to hurt me like that. He was struggling and I got caught in the crossfire. I wore dresses to hear how beautiful I looked without realizing that this man is struggling. It is very sad situation- but there is a hope. 

7 years later, I love and respect the men in my church and I even have some good friends there. GOD IS GOOD! I trust the men in my church and I am no longer afraid of them. 

I no longer see myself as a goal post for sexual abuse. I no longer hate my body. I am learning to love it- but I have come a long way. Lastly, I no longer run from the pain of my past. These fears kept me bottled up for years. As crazy as it sounds- these fears had me too scared to use the toilet during a church service because I didn't want to be seen. These fears made me too scared to make eye contact with men incase they got the wrong idea. The fears had me scared to even hug men in my church. Those fears had to go because we are a family!

And in case you are wondering-I now know God never plans for anyone to go through any sort of abuse, it's not in His will, Jeremiah 29:11 says, For I know the plans I have for you- for good and not for evil- to bring you to an expected end. That means the plans are good and the end is good. Evil may happen in life- but His plans for you are good and your end is good. My brother/my sister- the end is good! Always remember this. There is hope. 

7 YEARS LATER

I am 25 now. More things have happened to me in life, but my GOD is still on the throne. I am now a trained counselor for my church and I regularly counsel women who have gone through different things in life. All glory goes to my Father in heaven because a lot of my life experiences allow me to counsel with the Word- from a place of experience. My 25 years on this earth have been so hard- but His good plans are giving me beauty for ashes. His plans for my life are so so good- regardless of my trauma and I am walking with Him hand in hand. 

If you need to talk to someone about any trauma you have experienced/ seen- do it. Do it today.  Do not put it off. Do it. I would not be healed if I did not open my mouth and get help. You deserve healing too. You deserve to move on too- PROPERLY. So go get it. It is worth it. You may think it is not possible to be completely healed- but you can. It is not easy- but it is possible. Remember- there is a hope. 

Thank you so so so much for reading. 

GOD bless you.

The Abortion.

The Intro

This blog is particularly difficult to write for many reasons. Reason number one being, I am not a victim. I made a choice and it was my choice. I decided to terminate the life of my son and for that, I have to be accountable. So here I am. Being accountable for my abortion.

The Stats

Lets start with some statics, shall we? In 2015, the Independent reported that 1 in 3 women have an abortion by the time they are 45 years old. And no- that isn't a statistic for the whole world- that's just for the U.K. So if you haven't directly had an abortion, someone in your family or in your friendship circle probably has. Tough to imagine? I bet it is.

The Story

So let me tell you about my abortion. In my final year of studying, in 2012, at 21 years old- I got pregnant. This was particularly difficult because I was in a church, I am a Pastors' daughter (yup I know what you're thinking- pastors' kids are the worst- blah blah blah), and I was also teaching Sunday school. None of that was even the heaviest part. The heaviest part is that I specifically heard the voice of GOD telling me I was going to have a baby and NOT to have an abortion. I don't know if you are a believer- but I heard a bellowing in my ear. It terrified the life out of me and I dropped to the floor as if I had heard gun shots in Tottenham. Regardless of all this- I had the termination because I allowed my situation to cloud my judgment and I allowed my logic to takeover my emotions.

The Procedure

So I did it. At four months into my pregnancy, I made the appointment. I went to the clinic. I took the pill. I went back and I had the rest of the procedure performed.I had done it. I had killed my son. Was it that simple? Not at all. There were some complications during the abortion- but we will get to that later.

 

The Reasons

"My boyfriend is not interested in having a child. He could not even be faithful in our relationship. I can't keep it. My Dad is a Pastor- he will reject me. The church will take away my posts. The church will say I let them down. I teach young people- how can I have a baby out of wedlock? My body will drastically change- no other man will want me. I'm about to graduate- I can't have a baby. I don't even have any money..."

Those were my reasons for having an abortion. Right now I am going to skip to this present day so you can see how life has changed.

1. That "boyfriend" of mine- gone with the wind but we remained friends (ish)
2. My Dad eventually forgave me. I am his daughter and he will always love me.
3. The church I attended- I no longer go there. I have a new church family that accepts me and loves me and helps me grow. I have leaders who I am transparent with and I am growing in the faith
4. The young people I work alongside know my story and they know they can come to me with anything, any problem and any issue.
5. My body looks okay but I am more than just a body now. That is no longer the only thing I have to offer.
6. I didn't go to my graduation anyway due to severe depression.
7. I now make more money than I could even have imagined (thank GOD)

The REAL Reason

Those were my "reasons" but the truth is- I didn't want people to see that I had sinned. I was a fake who kept up a façade because I did not like who I really was. I was a depressed person who used sex as an escape. I got pregnant and now everyone could see I wasn't perfect. That is the real reason for my abortion.

The Aftermath

The day after my abortion, I was broken. I couldn't eat. I could barely get out of bed. I couldn't concentrate. I could barely finish my final year. I completed my dissertation drunk out of my face because I just didn't care. My belly went down but the tears didn't stop. I got a new job- but I couldn't concentrate. On top of all of that, the health complications were terrible. Part of the placenta was stuck inside my womb for a while. I felt a lot of pain but I couldn't explain it. For those of you who don't know much about this stuff- the placenta was rotting inside of my womb. Within 6 months that would have killed me. About a month or two after the abortion- the placenta fell out whilst I was walking to Tesco. That could have killed me but my GOD is greater.

The Healing

When I could no longer deal with guilt and the shame and the depression- I reached out to a lady in my church. I told her about the abortion and she told me she volunteered at an abortion support group in my town and they were putting a counseling group together. I agreed to go. And I got help. I got the help I needed to begin the healing process. Part of that was forgiving everyone in the situation and forgiving myself. That was the hardest bit. Forgiving myself for something that I did. Taking the responsibility and then allowing myself to feel the forgiveness. Does it mean I forget? Never. But it means I don't have to live in shame or in condemnation. I can breathe. For the first time in my life- I am breathing.

5 Years Later

5 years on, I meet women who have had abortions and men who have their babies aborted, with or without their consent. And all of them have this one thing in common; they don't know how to forgive themselves. This is particularly difficult if you haven't processed the abortion. My brother, my sister, get help. Get some support. Don't just sit there. Speak to someone. Don't want to speak to anyone you know? Speak to me. Just don't sit on it. Don't sit on it and hide. Open your mouth and get your healing.

Who Is Zion

Zion is my son. He would have turned 4 years old on July 3rd 2017. I have seen him in my dreams and he is a beauty. I buy him birthday cards and teddy bears. On my low days- I write him letters. I know he doesn't read them- but it helps me heal. Zion is with my GOD in heaven. He isn't on this earth but he existed and I miss him every day.


I am most grateful to GOD for everything He has done in my life. He is my air. He keeps me alive and it is through faith that I am justified and I have peace with GOD through Jesus. Galatians 5:1
GOD saved my life. I am a living testimony. Keep your eyes peeled- because there is so much more to come.

Thank you so so so much for reading.